Consent in Action Discussion Questions
-What does consent mean to you?
-Is it important to practice consent? Why or why not?
-What are ways we can practice consent?
-How does open communication, respectful listening, and checking in affect your interactions with your partner or partners?
-How might someone’s abuse history affect their views on sexuality and consent? How can thinking about someone’s abuse history inform the way you practice consent?
-Do you think it’s possible to give consent while intoxicated?
-If you feel violated or if you feel like you violated someone, what should you do? What can you do to prevent this in the future?
-Why can it be so hard for people to practice consent?
-How can you become more comfortable talking about issues of sexuality and consent? How can you help your partner become more comfortable?
-Do you talk about who’s responsible for ensuring safe sex and birth control practices?
-What can we do to make consent a more comfortable topic? With yourself? With your partners? With the community?
-What can we do to end sexual violence in our community?
More questions…
-Have you had sexual experiences while intoxicated? Did you feel that it was consensual? Did you talk about it with your partner?
-Do you think it’s okay to start something sexual with someone who is sleeping or trying to sleep? What about if it is your partner?
-Have you ever tried to talk someone into doing something they might not have wanted to do?
-What should you do when you’re unsure if your partner wants to continue? What should you do when you’re unsure if you want to continue?
-Whose responsibility is it to change the course of activity if your partner doesn’t seem in to it?
-If you achieve consent once, does that mean you can stop asking for consent in the future?
-Are you clear about your own intentions?
-Do your standards of consent change when it comes to a person who has a reputation of promiscuity?
-Do you put yourself into situations that give you an excuse for touching someone who might otherwise say no? For example, dancing, getting drunk around them, sleeping next to them.
-What are your expectations about sex in a relationship? How should you express them to your partner?
-Are you comfortable talking about issues of sexuality and consent with your partner when you’re in nonsexual situations? What about with your friends?
-Do you think only men are perpetrators, and that only women are victims?
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
This is NOT Sexual Consent!
From: http://thefreshxpress.com/2010/04/sexual-consent-kiely-williams-ur-doin-it-wrong/
SEXUAL CONSENT???? YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!!!
Fine. If you want to “blame it on the alcohol,” fine, but don’t try to convince me, Miss Kiely Williams, that it’s a GOOD thing to have sex while in a blackout with some dude you don’t know. Maybe Kiely, being a youngin’, doesn’t know what a blackout is, which is why I’m so perplexed by her song (and video) for “Spectacular.”
I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic who experienced blackouts and none of them sounded fun, let alone an environment where she could have consented to anything. Nothing like waking up wondering how your car ended up in a field or how you even got home last night and hoping you didn’t hurt anyone or do anything crazy while you were completely out of it. Someone could/can do anything to you in a blackout. Kill you. Rape you. Beat you senseless. Take your money. Dump you in a ditch. Whatever. That’s what a blackout is. Where you are so drunk that you are in danger of just dying from vomiting.
Hence why I’m confused by her song “Spectacular” where she sings that the sex was great EVEN THOUGH SHE DOES NOT REMEMBER IT! She doesn’t remember how she got there in the song. She doesn’t remember if he used protection. But it was “Spectacular!?” Get it? Even though she doesn’t remember what the hell just happened, it was the bomb. Um … noooooooooo! You’re not describing a fun evening out. You’re describing the sex scene at the beginning of in the film “Rules of Attraction” where Shannen Sossamon gets vomited on while being raped while she was blacked out.
From The Sexist:
A music video has emerged for Williams’ ode to extremely memorable sex you won’t remember the next day, “Spectacular.” (Thanks to commenter KiaJD for the tip). Behold, the eroticization of the drunk girl!
In “Spectacular,” Williams sings:
Last I remember I was face down
Ass up, clothes off, broke off, dozed off
Even though I’m not sure of his name
He could get it again if he wanted
Cause the sex was spectacular
The sex was spectacular
The sex was spectacular
The sex was spectacular
In the video, Williams is a** up, clothes off and very much awake as she performs a sexy and fully enthusiastic dance to lyrics about her being asleep while a man she doesn’t know has (spectacular) sex with her. In the dance sequence, Williams expresses how being a passed-out recipient of “sex” made her feel—she felt sexy, confident, daring, and in control. Our drunk-sex researchers chalked up a woman’s preference for intoxicated sex to body issues. Williams, apparently, just thinks it’s hot.
I’d never heard of this Kiely person so I googled her and dear Lord she’s a former Cheetah Girl (*clutches pearls*) which means some impressionable tweens-now-teens who liked Kiely when she was on the Disney plantation singing about love, friendship and consumerism might actually listen to this trash and think is completely cool to be the wasted girl in the club. It’s not cool, honey. Neither is an STD or getting raped in a blackout by some guy you don’t know. Maybe in Kiely’s fantasy world, it’s some dude who could “get it again,” but considering how at the end of the song she flees out of his house in embarassment to do the “walk of shame,” even she can’t seem to fully embrace her stance of “Yay! I’ve been treated in a disposable and dangerous way! And it was SPECTACULAR!”
Gurl, gurl, guurl! What is wrong with you?
From Kiely’s YouTube page after folks started to ask this question:
The fact is, that sometimes women get intoxicated and have unprotected sex. My video puts this issue front and center. It is absurd to infer or suggest that I am condoning this behavior. Are Lady Gaga and Beyonce advocating murder with the Telephone video? Of, course not. Was Rihanna encouraging suicide with Russian Roulette? No. Was Madonna suggesting that young unmarried girls get pregnant with Papa Dont Preach? I dont think so. Is Academy Award winner Monique a proponent of incest because of her portrayal of Mary in the movie Precious. Clearly, the answer is no.
I wrote Spectacular and made the video to bring attention to a serious womens health and safety issue. Dont shoot the messenger.
Oh. OK. Then, message fail. That was not what I got from the song or the video. I got some mixed messages of “I’m proud of being irresponsible and kinda OK with date rape! But don’t judge me because the sex was spectacular!” Gaga and Beyonce were referring to Tarantino films and screenplays and trying to be cheesy and ironic. Rihanna was using Russian Roulette as a “metaphor,” and definitely didn’t sound happy at any point in that song about dysfunctional relationships. Madonna was singing how she was desperate and in trouble in “Papa Don’t Preach” and how she needed her father’s support in a difficult decision. And Monique was acting out a character from a book who was MESSED UP. Nobody wanted to the BE Monique’s abusive mother character. I’m sorry. I just didn’t pick up the “depth” you were going for while you were gyrating in hot pants singing about the bliss of a blackout. You didn’t sing it with any irony. You didn’t add any depths about how demoralizing, devastating, humiliating a blackout that lead to unprotected sex can be. You can’t make a song about date rape and call it “Spectacular” and pretend like it’s a “message” song and never actually say how SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT HERE! If a LOT of people are not getting that it’s a message song that means you failed, not the audience.
And please don’t compare yourself to Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Beyonce, Monique or Madonna. You’re not in the same ballpark, league or field as them. Because, you know? People actually GOT what they were going for and didn’t label them as rape apologists.
That being said …
I wouldn’t suggest anyone do anything while in a blackout, male or female. It’s just horrible. And if you experience blackouts with any frequency, you probably need help for that alcohol addiction. And there is NOTHING romantic or sexy about alcoholism or having sex that you can’t remember the next day. And, dear Lord, menfolk, don’t have sex with the completely bombed out girl! What are you thinking? Drunk does not equal yes. Drunk equals drunk and could equal a rape charge or a really nasty STD or kids you cannot afford with some chick you don’t even know. People cannot consent to things when they are drunk! Not to sex. Not to a business deal. Not to a ham sandwich. Not to ANYTHING. They are drunk! And they *might* not feel that “spectacular” afterwards. They might feel like calling the police
SEXUAL CONSENT???? YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!!!
Fine. If you want to “blame it on the alcohol,” fine, but don’t try to convince me, Miss Kiely Williams, that it’s a GOOD thing to have sex while in a blackout with some dude you don’t know. Maybe Kiely, being a youngin’, doesn’t know what a blackout is, which is why I’m so perplexed by her song (and video) for “Spectacular.”
I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic who experienced blackouts and none of them sounded fun, let alone an environment where she could have consented to anything. Nothing like waking up wondering how your car ended up in a field or how you even got home last night and hoping you didn’t hurt anyone or do anything crazy while you were completely out of it. Someone could/can do anything to you in a blackout. Kill you. Rape you. Beat you senseless. Take your money. Dump you in a ditch. Whatever. That’s what a blackout is. Where you are so drunk that you are in danger of just dying from vomiting.
Hence why I’m confused by her song “Spectacular” where she sings that the sex was great EVEN THOUGH SHE DOES NOT REMEMBER IT! She doesn’t remember how she got there in the song. She doesn’t remember if he used protection. But it was “Spectacular!?” Get it? Even though she doesn’t remember what the hell just happened, it was the bomb. Um … noooooooooo! You’re not describing a fun evening out. You’re describing the sex scene at the beginning of in the film “Rules of Attraction” where Shannen Sossamon gets vomited on while being raped while she was blacked out.
From The Sexist:
A music video has emerged for Williams’ ode to extremely memorable sex you won’t remember the next day, “Spectacular.” (Thanks to commenter KiaJD for the tip). Behold, the eroticization of the drunk girl!
In “Spectacular,” Williams sings:
Last I remember I was face down
Ass up, clothes off, broke off, dozed off
Even though I’m not sure of his name
He could get it again if he wanted
Cause the sex was spectacular
The sex was spectacular
The sex was spectacular
The sex was spectacular
In the video, Williams is a** up, clothes off and very much awake as she performs a sexy and fully enthusiastic dance to lyrics about her being asleep while a man she doesn’t know has (spectacular) sex with her. In the dance sequence, Williams expresses how being a passed-out recipient of “sex” made her feel—she felt sexy, confident, daring, and in control. Our drunk-sex researchers chalked up a woman’s preference for intoxicated sex to body issues. Williams, apparently, just thinks it’s hot.
I’d never heard of this Kiely person so I googled her and dear Lord she’s a former Cheetah Girl (*clutches pearls*) which means some impressionable tweens-now-teens who liked Kiely when she was on the Disney plantation singing about love, friendship and consumerism might actually listen to this trash and think is completely cool to be the wasted girl in the club. It’s not cool, honey. Neither is an STD or getting raped in a blackout by some guy you don’t know. Maybe in Kiely’s fantasy world, it’s some dude who could “get it again,” but considering how at the end of the song she flees out of his house in embarassment to do the “walk of shame,” even she can’t seem to fully embrace her stance of “Yay! I’ve been treated in a disposable and dangerous way! And it was SPECTACULAR!”
Gurl, gurl, guurl! What is wrong with you?
From Kiely’s YouTube page after folks started to ask this question:
The fact is, that sometimes women get intoxicated and have unprotected sex. My video puts this issue front and center. It is absurd to infer or suggest that I am condoning this behavior. Are Lady Gaga and Beyonce advocating murder with the Telephone video? Of, course not. Was Rihanna encouraging suicide with Russian Roulette? No. Was Madonna suggesting that young unmarried girls get pregnant with Papa Dont Preach? I dont think so. Is Academy Award winner Monique a proponent of incest because of her portrayal of Mary in the movie Precious. Clearly, the answer is no.
I wrote Spectacular and made the video to bring attention to a serious womens health and safety issue. Dont shoot the messenger.
Oh. OK. Then, message fail. That was not what I got from the song or the video. I got some mixed messages of “I’m proud of being irresponsible and kinda OK with date rape! But don’t judge me because the sex was spectacular!” Gaga and Beyonce were referring to Tarantino films and screenplays and trying to be cheesy and ironic. Rihanna was using Russian Roulette as a “metaphor,” and definitely didn’t sound happy at any point in that song about dysfunctional relationships. Madonna was singing how she was desperate and in trouble in “Papa Don’t Preach” and how she needed her father’s support in a difficult decision. And Monique was acting out a character from a book who was MESSED UP. Nobody wanted to the BE Monique’s abusive mother character. I’m sorry. I just didn’t pick up the “depth” you were going for while you were gyrating in hot pants singing about the bliss of a blackout. You didn’t sing it with any irony. You didn’t add any depths about how demoralizing, devastating, humiliating a blackout that lead to unprotected sex can be. You can’t make a song about date rape and call it “Spectacular” and pretend like it’s a “message” song and never actually say how SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT HERE! If a LOT of people are not getting that it’s a message song that means you failed, not the audience.
And please don’t compare yourself to Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Beyonce, Monique or Madonna. You’re not in the same ballpark, league or field as them. Because, you know? People actually GOT what they were going for and didn’t label them as rape apologists.
That being said …
I wouldn’t suggest anyone do anything while in a blackout, male or female. It’s just horrible. And if you experience blackouts with any frequency, you probably need help for that alcohol addiction. And there is NOTHING romantic or sexy about alcoholism or having sex that you can’t remember the next day. And, dear Lord, menfolk, don’t have sex with the completely bombed out girl! What are you thinking? Drunk does not equal yes. Drunk equals drunk and could equal a rape charge or a really nasty STD or kids you cannot afford with some chick you don’t even know. People cannot consent to things when they are drunk! Not to sex. Not to a business deal. Not to a ham sandwich. Not to ANYTHING. They are drunk! And they *might* not feel that “spectacular” afterwards. They might feel like calling the police
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Educational Guidelines for Sexual Consent
SOME GOOD PRACTICES
•TALK! Ongoing conversation is an important vehicle for consent. Stating your own desires doesn’t ensure consent. Both parties should clearly and unambiguously express consent.
•CLARIFY: When in doubt, find out! Don’t be afraid to ask questions if anything is unclear.The responsibility for obtaining consent lies with the person initiating the sexual act.Avoid ambiguity; be verbal. Without verbal conversation, mutual agreement and understanding is difficult, if not impossible, to reach.
•MUTUALITY: Sex is a two-way street. If sex is mutually and simultaneously initiated, then responsibility for communicating consent (agreeing/obtaining/refusing/denying) continues to rest with all involved.
•ON-GOING PROCESS: Consent should be understood as an on-going process rather than a one-time, one-conversation, open door to any or all-sexual interactions.Be aware that consent for one act (such as kissing) does not automatically imply consent for subsequent behaviors.Asking “Do you want to have sex with me?” is a good start but not enough. People have different ideas about what sex is.
•RESPECT:Consensual sex is best established when both partners can express themselves, be listened to, and have their desires and needs respected.
•CHECK-IN: It’s OK to check in and see if everyone’s enjoying themselves.If you sense at any point that your partner is not fully participating or not completely engaged in sexual behavior or has changed his/her mind, then ASK if s/he wants to stop.Mutuality--if you've changed your mind, say so.
•NO always MEANS NO, not maybe and ONLY YES MEANS YES: At any point of sexual engagement, anyone has the right to stop ANY specific act or all sexual interactions. This can be done through verbal statements (“No”.“Don’t”. “I don’t want to do this specific behavior (“kiss”, “be touched here”, etc.) anymore”. “I don’t like that.” Any use of designated safe word. “Stop”). And/or through nonverbal actions (Pulling and/or pushing away. Getting up and/or walking, turning away. etc.) At this point, check-in because consent has ended and the other person(s) must comply.
SOME POOR PRACTICES
◦SILENCE:Silence and/or non-communication and/or relying on assumptions.
◦INTOXICATION:According to the Illinois Criminal Sexual Assault Statute CONSENT CANNOT be given when any person is intoxicated (whether by drugs or alcohol), unconscious or asleep.
◦VIOLENCE:The threat of or use of violence or force negates any previous consent or subsequent assumptions of consent.
◦COERCION:Like physical force, coercion and intimidation negate consent.(For instance, threatening to shame a person in front of peers; or threats of outing).
◦DRUGS/ALCOHOL: Giving someone drugs or alcohol with the intent to impair his or her judgment or make them unconscious violates the Illinois law.
◦HARASSMENT: By the very definition, when someone is sexually harassed, the behavior is unwelcome; therefore, any form of sexual harassment is non consensual. For instance, masturbating in front of someone without their agreement and/or touching and groping someone at a party is not considered consensual.
◦HOOKIN' UP:The less you know the other person, the greater the risk for misunderstanding the wishes and intent of the other person.
These Guidelines were written by the President’s Task Force on Sexual Ethics and Education and Brought to you by the Office of Health and Life Skills Education at Oberlin College. They have been adapted by Resources for Sexual Violence Prevention (RSVP) for the University of Chicago campus. Please email us with your feedback @ vsides@uchicago.edu.
•TALK! Ongoing conversation is an important vehicle for consent. Stating your own desires doesn’t ensure consent. Both parties should clearly and unambiguously express consent.
•CLARIFY: When in doubt, find out! Don’t be afraid to ask questions if anything is unclear.The responsibility for obtaining consent lies with the person initiating the sexual act.Avoid ambiguity; be verbal. Without verbal conversation, mutual agreement and understanding is difficult, if not impossible, to reach.
•MUTUALITY: Sex is a two-way street. If sex is mutually and simultaneously initiated, then responsibility for communicating consent (agreeing/obtaining/refusing/denying) continues to rest with all involved.
•ON-GOING PROCESS: Consent should be understood as an on-going process rather than a one-time, one-conversation, open door to any or all-sexual interactions.Be aware that consent for one act (such as kissing) does not automatically imply consent for subsequent behaviors.Asking “Do you want to have sex with me?” is a good start but not enough. People have different ideas about what sex is.
•RESPECT:Consensual sex is best established when both partners can express themselves, be listened to, and have their desires and needs respected.
•CHECK-IN: It’s OK to check in and see if everyone’s enjoying themselves.If you sense at any point that your partner is not fully participating or not completely engaged in sexual behavior or has changed his/her mind, then ASK if s/he wants to stop.Mutuality--if you've changed your mind, say so.
•NO always MEANS NO, not maybe and ONLY YES MEANS YES: At any point of sexual engagement, anyone has the right to stop ANY specific act or all sexual interactions. This can be done through verbal statements (“No”.“Don’t”. “I don’t want to do this specific behavior (“kiss”, “be touched here”, etc.) anymore”. “I don’t like that.” Any use of designated safe word. “Stop”). And/or through nonverbal actions (Pulling and/or pushing away. Getting up and/or walking, turning away. etc.) At this point, check-in because consent has ended and the other person(s) must comply.
SOME POOR PRACTICES
◦SILENCE:Silence and/or non-communication and/or relying on assumptions.
◦INTOXICATION:According to the Illinois Criminal Sexual Assault Statute CONSENT CANNOT be given when any person is intoxicated (whether by drugs or alcohol), unconscious or asleep.
◦VIOLENCE:The threat of or use of violence or force negates any previous consent or subsequent assumptions of consent.
◦COERCION:Like physical force, coercion and intimidation negate consent.(For instance, threatening to shame a person in front of peers; or threats of outing).
◦DRUGS/ALCOHOL: Giving someone drugs or alcohol with the intent to impair his or her judgment or make them unconscious violates the Illinois law.
◦HARASSMENT: By the very definition, when someone is sexually harassed, the behavior is unwelcome; therefore, any form of sexual harassment is non consensual. For instance, masturbating in front of someone without their agreement and/or touching and groping someone at a party is not considered consensual.
◦HOOKIN' UP:The less you know the other person, the greater the risk for misunderstanding the wishes and intent of the other person.
These Guidelines were written by the President’s Task Force on Sexual Ethics and Education and Brought to you by the Office of Health and Life Skills Education at Oberlin College. They have been adapted by Resources for Sexual Violence Prevention (RSVP) for the University of Chicago campus. Please email us with your feedback @ vsides@uchicago.edu.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sexual Assault Prevention Tips!
When I read the title of this little list, "Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed To Work," my immediate reaction was a groan.... my thoughts being: not another list of do's and don't's which, if not followed perfectly, makes us somehow responsible for being assaulted.
These types of lists, while helpful to stay safe, should not be our only means of reacting to assault. For they are just that -- a reaction. Forgive my metaphor, but our goal with C(i)A is disarming the hand that holds the gun, not merely dodging bullets. Word. That being said, here is a clever little list of tips to prevent sexual assault :)
*this was taken from a random blog, not written by C(i)A-ers.
Here we go:
Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!
by Colleen Jameson
1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.
2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!
3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!
4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.
5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!
6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.
7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.
8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.
9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!
10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.
And, ALWAYS REMEMBER: if you didn’t ask permission and then respect the answer the first time, you are commiting a crime- no matter how “into it” others appear to be.
These types of lists, while helpful to stay safe, should not be our only means of reacting to assault. For they are just that -- a reaction. Forgive my metaphor, but our goal with C(i)A is disarming the hand that holds the gun, not merely dodging bullets. Word. That being said, here is a clever little list of tips to prevent sexual assault :)
*this was taken from a random blog, not written by C(i)A-ers.
Here we go:
Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!
by Colleen Jameson
1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.
2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!
3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!
4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.
5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!
6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.
7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.
8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.
9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!
10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.
And, ALWAYS REMEMBER: if you didn’t ask permission and then respect the answer the first time, you are commiting a crime- no matter how “into it” others appear to be.
What is Rape Culture?
Thought this was a great exploration and definition of rape culture... give it a read!
*C(i)A members didn't write this, it was found at this site: http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/10/rape-culture-101.html
*DISCLAIMER: I'm not sure if the author's stats on assault for men and women are accurate. The numbers I've heard most often are 1 in 6 men and 1 in 3 women. Also, her stats on how many assualts go unreported I cannot vouch for.... who really knows how often they are or are not reported?
Without further ado:
[Trigger warning.]
Frequently, I receive requests to provide a definition of the term "rape culture." I've referred people to the Wikipedia entry on rape culture, which is pretty good, and I like the definition provided in Transforming a Rape Culture:
A rape culture is a complex of beliefs that encourages male sexual aggression and supports violence against women. It is a society where violence is seen as sexy and sexuality as violent. In a rape culture, women perceive a continuum of threatened violence that ranges from sexual remarks to sexual touching to rape itself. A rape culture condones physical and emotional terrorism against women as the norm.
In a rape culture both men and women assume that sexual violence is a fact of life, inevitable as death or taxes. This violence, however, is neither biologically nor divinely ordained. Much of what we accept as inevitable is in fact the expression of values and attitudes that can change.
But my correspondents—whether they are dewy noobs just coming to feminism, advanced feminists looking for a source, or disbelievers in the existence of the rape culture—always seem to be looking for something more comprehensive and less abstract: What is the rape culture? What are its borders? What does it look like and sound like and feel like?
It is not a definition for which they're looking; not really. It's a description. It's something substantive enough to reach out and touch, in all its ugly, heaving, menacing grotesquery.
Rape culture is encouraging male sexual aggression. Rape culture is regarding violence as sexy and sexuality as violent. Rape culture is treating rape as a compliment, as the unbridled passion stirred in a healthy man by a beautiful woman, making irresistible the urge to rip open her bodice or slam her against a wall, or a wrought-iron fence, or a car hood, or pull her by her hair, or shove her onto a bed, or any one of a million other images of fight-fucking in movies and television shows and on the covers of romance novels that convey violent urges are inextricably linked with (straight) sexuality.
Rape culture is treating straight sexuality as the norm. Rape culture is lumping queer sexuality into nonconsensual sexual practices like pedophilia and bestiality. Rape culture is privileging heterosexuality because ubiquitous imagery of two adults of the same-sex engaging in egalitarian partnerships without gender-based dominance and submission undermines (erroneous) biological rationales for the rape culture's existence.
Rape culture is rape being used as a weapon, a tool of war and genocide and oppression. Rape culture is rape being used as a corrective to "cure" queer women. Rape culture is a militarized culture and "the natural product of all wars, everywhere, at all times, in all forms."
Rape culture is 1 in 33 men being sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. Rape culture is encouraging men to use the language of rape to establish dominance over one another ("I'll make you my bitch"). Rape culture is making rape a ubiquitous part of male-exclusive bonding. Rape culture is ignoring the cavernous need for men's prison reform in part because the threat of being raped in prison is considered an acceptable deterrent to committing crime, and the threat only works if actual men are actually being raped.
Rape culture is 1 in 6 women being sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. Rape culture is not even talking about the reality that many women are sexually assaulted multiple times in their lives. Rape culture is the way in which the constant threat of sexual assault affects women's daily movements. Rape culture is telling girls and women to be careful about what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you're alone, if you're with a stranger, if you're in a group, if you're in a group of strangers, if it's dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you're carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you're wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who's around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who's at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defense, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn't follow all the rules it's your fault.
Rape culture is victim-blaming. Rape culture is a judge blaming a child for her own rape. Rape culture is a minister blaming his child victims. Rape culture is accusing a child of enjoying being held hostage, raped, and tortured. Rape culture is spending enormous amounts of time finding any reason at all that a victim can be blamed for hir own rape.
Rape culture is judges banning the use of the word rape in the courtroom. Rape culture is the media using euphemisms for sexual assault. Rape culture is stories about rape being featured in the Odd News.
Rape culture is tasking victims with the burden of rape prevention. Rape culture is encouraging women to take self-defense as though that is the only solution required to preventing rape. Rape culture is admonishing women to "learn common sense" or "be more responsible" or "be aware of barroom risks" or "avoid these places" or "don't dress this way," and failing to admonish men to not rape.
Rape culture is "nothing" being the most frequent answer to a question about what people have been formally taught about rape.
Rape culture is boys under 10 years old knowing how to rape.
Rape culture is the idea that only certain people rape—and only certain people get raped. Rape culture is ignoring that the thing about rapists is that they rape people. They rape people who are strong and people who are weak, people who are smart and people who are dumb, people who fight back and people who submit just to get it over with, people who are sluts and people who are prudes, people who rich and people who are poor, people who are tall and people who are short, people who are fat and people who are thin, people who are blind and people who are sighted, people who are deaf and people who can hear, people of every race and shape and size and ability and circumstance.
Rape culture is the narrative that sex workers can't be raped. Rape culture is the assertion that wives can't be raped. Rape culture is the contention that only nice girls can be raped.
Rape culture is refusing to acknowledge that the only thing that the victim of every rapist shares in common is bad fucking luck. Rape culture is refusing to acknowledge that the only thing a person can do to avoid being raped is never be in the same room as a rapist. Rape culture is avoiding talking about what an absurdly unreasonable expectation that is, since rapists don't announce themselves or wear signs or glow purple.
Rape culture is people meant to protect you raping you instead—like parents, teachers, doctors, ministers, cops, soldiers, self-defense instructors.
Rape culture is a serial rapist being appointed to a federal panel that makes decisions regarding women's health.
Rape culture is a ruling that says women cannot withdraw consent once sex commences.
Rape culture is a collective understanding about classifications of rapists: The "normal" rapist (whose crime is most likely to be dismissed with a "boys will be boys" sort of jocular apologia) is the man who forces himself on attractive women, women his age in fine health and form, whose crime is disturbingly understandable to his male defenders. The "real sickos" are the men who go after children, old ladies, the disabled, accident victims languishing in comas—the sort of people who can't fight back, whose rape is difficult to imagine as titillating, unlike the rape of "pretty girls," so easily cast in a fight-fuck fantasy of squealing and squirming and eventual relenting to the "flattery" of being raped.
Rape culture is the insistence on trying to distinguish between different kinds of rape via the use of terms like "gray rape" or "date rape."
Rape culture is pervasive narratives about rape that exist despite evidence to the contrary. Rape culture is pervasive imagery of stranger rape, even though women are three times more likely to be raped by someone they know than a stranger, and nine times more likely to be raped in their home, the home of someone they know, or anywhere else than being raped on the street, making what is commonly referred to as "date rape" by far the most prevalent type of rape. Rape culture is pervasive insistence that false reports are common, although they are less common (1.6%) than false reports of auto theft (2.6%). Rape culture is pervasive claims that women make rape accusations willy-nilly, when 61% of rapes remain unreported.
Rape culture is the pervasive narrative that there is a "typical" way to behave after being raped, instead of the acknowledgment that responses to rape are as varied as its victims, that, immediately following a rape, some women go into shock; some are lucid; some are angry; some are ashamed; some are stoic; some are erratic; some want to report it; some don't; some will act out; some will crawl inside themselves; some will have healthy sex lives; some never will again.
Rape culture is the pervasive narrative that a rape victim who reports hir rape is readily believed and well-supported, instead of acknowledging that reporting a rape is a huge personal investment, a difficult process that can be embarrassing, shameful, hurtful, frustrating, and too often unfulfilling. Rape culture is ignoring that there is very little incentive to report a rape; it's a terrible experience with a small likelihood of seeing justice served.
Rape culture is hospitals that won't do rape kits, disbelieving law enforcement, unmotivated prosecutors, hostile judges, victim-blaming juries, and paltry sentencing.
Rape culture is the fact that higher incidents of rape tend to correlate with lower conviction rates.
Rape culture is silence around rape in the national discourse, and in rape victims' homes. Rape culture is treating surviving rape as something of which to be ashamed. Rape culture is families torn apart because of rape allegations that are disbelieved or ignored or sunk to the bottom of a deep, dark sea in an iron vault of secrecy and silence.
Rape culture is the objectification of women, which is part of a dehumanizing process that renders consent irrelevant. Rape culture is treating women's bodies like public property. Rape culture is street harassment and groping on public transportation and equating raped women's bodies to a man walking around with valuables hanging out of his pockets. Rape culture is most men being so far removed from the threat of rape that invoking property theft is evidently the closest thing many of them can imagine to being forcibly subjected to a sexual assault.
Rape culture is treating 13-year-old girls like trophies for men regarded as great artists.
Rape culture is ignoring the way in which professional environments that treat sexual access to female subordinates as entitlements of successful men can be coercive and compromise enthusiastic consent.
Rape culture is a convicted rapist getting a standing ovation at Cannes, a cameo in a hit movie, and a career resurgence in which he can joke about how he hates seeing people get hurt.
Rape culture is when running dogfights is said to elicit more outrage than raping a woman would.
Rape culture is blurred lines between persistence and coercion. Rape culture is treating diminished capacity to consent as the natural path to sexual activity.
Rape culture is pretending that non-physical sexual assaults, like peeping tomming, is totally unrelated to brutal and physical sexual assaults, rather than viewing them on a continuum of sexual assault.
Rape culture is diminishing the gravity of any sexual assault, attempted sexual assault, or culture of actual or potential coercion in any way.
Rape culture is using the word "rape" to describe something that has been done to you other than a forced or coerced sex act. Rape culture is saying things like "That ATM raped me with a huge fee" or "The IRS raped me on my taxes."
Rape culture is rape being used as entertainment, in movies and television shows and books and in video games.
Rape culture is television shows and movies leaving rape out of situations where it would be a present and significant threat in real life.
Rape culture is Amazon offering to locate "rape" products for you.
Rape culture is rape jokes. Rape culture is rape jokes on t-shirts, rape jokes in college newspapers, rape jokes in soldiers' home videos, rape jokes on the radio, rape jokes on news broadcasts, rape jokes in magazines, rape jokes in viral videos, rape jokes in promotions for children's movies, rape jokes on Page Six (and again!), rape jokes on the funny pages, rape jokes on TV shows, rape jokes on the campaign trail, rape jokes on Halloween, rape jokes in online content by famous people, rape jokes in online content by non-famous people, rape jokes in headlines, rape jokes onstage at clubs, rape jokes in politics, rape jokes in one-woman shows, rape jokes in print campaigns, rape jokes in movies, rape jokes in cartoons, rape jokes in nightclubs, rape jokes on MTV, rape jokes on late-night chat shows, rape jokes in tattoos, rape jokes in stand-up comedy, rape jokes on websites, rape jokes at awards shows, rape jokes in online contests, rape jokes in movie trailers, rape jokes on the sides of buses, rape jokes on cultural institutions…
Rape culture is people objecting to the detritus of the rape culture being called oversensitive, rather than people who perpetuate the rape culture being regarded as not sensitive enough.
Rape culture is the myriad ways in which rape is tacitly and overtly abetted and encouraged having saturated every corner of our culture so thoroughly that people can't easily wrap their heads around what the rape culture actually is.
That's hardly everything. It's merely the tip of an unfathomable iceberg.
*C(i)A members didn't write this, it was found at this site: http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/10/rape-culture-101.html
*DISCLAIMER: I'm not sure if the author's stats on assault for men and women are accurate. The numbers I've heard most often are 1 in 6 men and 1 in 3 women. Also, her stats on how many assualts go unreported I cannot vouch for.... who really knows how often they are or are not reported?
Without further ado:
[Trigger warning.]
Frequently, I receive requests to provide a definition of the term "rape culture." I've referred people to the Wikipedia entry on rape culture, which is pretty good, and I like the definition provided in Transforming a Rape Culture:
A rape culture is a complex of beliefs that encourages male sexual aggression and supports violence against women. It is a society where violence is seen as sexy and sexuality as violent. In a rape culture, women perceive a continuum of threatened violence that ranges from sexual remarks to sexual touching to rape itself. A rape culture condones physical and emotional terrorism against women as the norm.
In a rape culture both men and women assume that sexual violence is a fact of life, inevitable as death or taxes. This violence, however, is neither biologically nor divinely ordained. Much of what we accept as inevitable is in fact the expression of values and attitudes that can change.
But my correspondents—whether they are dewy noobs just coming to feminism, advanced feminists looking for a source, or disbelievers in the existence of the rape culture—always seem to be looking for something more comprehensive and less abstract: What is the rape culture? What are its borders? What does it look like and sound like and feel like?
It is not a definition for which they're looking; not really. It's a description. It's something substantive enough to reach out and touch, in all its ugly, heaving, menacing grotesquery.
Rape culture is encouraging male sexual aggression. Rape culture is regarding violence as sexy and sexuality as violent. Rape culture is treating rape as a compliment, as the unbridled passion stirred in a healthy man by a beautiful woman, making irresistible the urge to rip open her bodice or slam her against a wall, or a wrought-iron fence, or a car hood, or pull her by her hair, or shove her onto a bed, or any one of a million other images of fight-fucking in movies and television shows and on the covers of romance novels that convey violent urges are inextricably linked with (straight) sexuality.
Rape culture is treating straight sexuality as the norm. Rape culture is lumping queer sexuality into nonconsensual sexual practices like pedophilia and bestiality. Rape culture is privileging heterosexuality because ubiquitous imagery of two adults of the same-sex engaging in egalitarian partnerships without gender-based dominance and submission undermines (erroneous) biological rationales for the rape culture's existence.
Rape culture is rape being used as a weapon, a tool of war and genocide and oppression. Rape culture is rape being used as a corrective to "cure" queer women. Rape culture is a militarized culture and "the natural product of all wars, everywhere, at all times, in all forms."
Rape culture is 1 in 33 men being sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. Rape culture is encouraging men to use the language of rape to establish dominance over one another ("I'll make you my bitch"). Rape culture is making rape a ubiquitous part of male-exclusive bonding. Rape culture is ignoring the cavernous need for men's prison reform in part because the threat of being raped in prison is considered an acceptable deterrent to committing crime, and the threat only works if actual men are actually being raped.
Rape culture is 1 in 6 women being sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. Rape culture is not even talking about the reality that many women are sexually assaulted multiple times in their lives. Rape culture is the way in which the constant threat of sexual assault affects women's daily movements. Rape culture is telling girls and women to be careful about what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you're alone, if you're with a stranger, if you're in a group, if you're in a group of strangers, if it's dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you're carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you're wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who's around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who's at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defense, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn't follow all the rules it's your fault.
Rape culture is victim-blaming. Rape culture is a judge blaming a child for her own rape. Rape culture is a minister blaming his child victims. Rape culture is accusing a child of enjoying being held hostage, raped, and tortured. Rape culture is spending enormous amounts of time finding any reason at all that a victim can be blamed for hir own rape.
Rape culture is judges banning the use of the word rape in the courtroom. Rape culture is the media using euphemisms for sexual assault. Rape culture is stories about rape being featured in the Odd News.
Rape culture is tasking victims with the burden of rape prevention. Rape culture is encouraging women to take self-defense as though that is the only solution required to preventing rape. Rape culture is admonishing women to "learn common sense" or "be more responsible" or "be aware of barroom risks" or "avoid these places" or "don't dress this way," and failing to admonish men to not rape.
Rape culture is "nothing" being the most frequent answer to a question about what people have been formally taught about rape.
Rape culture is boys under 10 years old knowing how to rape.
Rape culture is the idea that only certain people rape—and only certain people get raped. Rape culture is ignoring that the thing about rapists is that they rape people. They rape people who are strong and people who are weak, people who are smart and people who are dumb, people who fight back and people who submit just to get it over with, people who are sluts and people who are prudes, people who rich and people who are poor, people who are tall and people who are short, people who are fat and people who are thin, people who are blind and people who are sighted, people who are deaf and people who can hear, people of every race and shape and size and ability and circumstance.
Rape culture is the narrative that sex workers can't be raped. Rape culture is the assertion that wives can't be raped. Rape culture is the contention that only nice girls can be raped.
Rape culture is refusing to acknowledge that the only thing that the victim of every rapist shares in common is bad fucking luck. Rape culture is refusing to acknowledge that the only thing a person can do to avoid being raped is never be in the same room as a rapist. Rape culture is avoiding talking about what an absurdly unreasonable expectation that is, since rapists don't announce themselves or wear signs or glow purple.
Rape culture is people meant to protect you raping you instead—like parents, teachers, doctors, ministers, cops, soldiers, self-defense instructors.
Rape culture is a serial rapist being appointed to a federal panel that makes decisions regarding women's health.
Rape culture is a ruling that says women cannot withdraw consent once sex commences.
Rape culture is a collective understanding about classifications of rapists: The "normal" rapist (whose crime is most likely to be dismissed with a "boys will be boys" sort of jocular apologia) is the man who forces himself on attractive women, women his age in fine health and form, whose crime is disturbingly understandable to his male defenders. The "real sickos" are the men who go after children, old ladies, the disabled, accident victims languishing in comas—the sort of people who can't fight back, whose rape is difficult to imagine as titillating, unlike the rape of "pretty girls," so easily cast in a fight-fuck fantasy of squealing and squirming and eventual relenting to the "flattery" of being raped.
Rape culture is the insistence on trying to distinguish between different kinds of rape via the use of terms like "gray rape" or "date rape."
Rape culture is pervasive narratives about rape that exist despite evidence to the contrary. Rape culture is pervasive imagery of stranger rape, even though women are three times more likely to be raped by someone they know than a stranger, and nine times more likely to be raped in their home, the home of someone they know, or anywhere else than being raped on the street, making what is commonly referred to as "date rape" by far the most prevalent type of rape. Rape culture is pervasive insistence that false reports are common, although they are less common (1.6%) than false reports of auto theft (2.6%). Rape culture is pervasive claims that women make rape accusations willy-nilly, when 61% of rapes remain unreported.
Rape culture is the pervasive narrative that there is a "typical" way to behave after being raped, instead of the acknowledgment that responses to rape are as varied as its victims, that, immediately following a rape, some women go into shock; some are lucid; some are angry; some are ashamed; some are stoic; some are erratic; some want to report it; some don't; some will act out; some will crawl inside themselves; some will have healthy sex lives; some never will again.
Rape culture is the pervasive narrative that a rape victim who reports hir rape is readily believed and well-supported, instead of acknowledging that reporting a rape is a huge personal investment, a difficult process that can be embarrassing, shameful, hurtful, frustrating, and too often unfulfilling. Rape culture is ignoring that there is very little incentive to report a rape; it's a terrible experience with a small likelihood of seeing justice served.
Rape culture is hospitals that won't do rape kits, disbelieving law enforcement, unmotivated prosecutors, hostile judges, victim-blaming juries, and paltry sentencing.
Rape culture is the fact that higher incidents of rape tend to correlate with lower conviction rates.
Rape culture is silence around rape in the national discourse, and in rape victims' homes. Rape culture is treating surviving rape as something of which to be ashamed. Rape culture is families torn apart because of rape allegations that are disbelieved or ignored or sunk to the bottom of a deep, dark sea in an iron vault of secrecy and silence.
Rape culture is the objectification of women, which is part of a dehumanizing process that renders consent irrelevant. Rape culture is treating women's bodies like public property. Rape culture is street harassment and groping on public transportation and equating raped women's bodies to a man walking around with valuables hanging out of his pockets. Rape culture is most men being so far removed from the threat of rape that invoking property theft is evidently the closest thing many of them can imagine to being forcibly subjected to a sexual assault.
Rape culture is treating 13-year-old girls like trophies for men regarded as great artists.
Rape culture is ignoring the way in which professional environments that treat sexual access to female subordinates as entitlements of successful men can be coercive and compromise enthusiastic consent.
Rape culture is a convicted rapist getting a standing ovation at Cannes, a cameo in a hit movie, and a career resurgence in which he can joke about how he hates seeing people get hurt.
Rape culture is when running dogfights is said to elicit more outrage than raping a woman would.
Rape culture is blurred lines between persistence and coercion. Rape culture is treating diminished capacity to consent as the natural path to sexual activity.
Rape culture is pretending that non-physical sexual assaults, like peeping tomming, is totally unrelated to brutal and physical sexual assaults, rather than viewing them on a continuum of sexual assault.
Rape culture is diminishing the gravity of any sexual assault, attempted sexual assault, or culture of actual or potential coercion in any way.
Rape culture is using the word "rape" to describe something that has been done to you other than a forced or coerced sex act. Rape culture is saying things like "That ATM raped me with a huge fee" or "The IRS raped me on my taxes."
Rape culture is rape being used as entertainment, in movies and television shows and books and in video games.
Rape culture is television shows and movies leaving rape out of situations where it would be a present and significant threat in real life.
Rape culture is Amazon offering to locate "rape" products for you.
Rape culture is rape jokes. Rape culture is rape jokes on t-shirts, rape jokes in college newspapers, rape jokes in soldiers' home videos, rape jokes on the radio, rape jokes on news broadcasts, rape jokes in magazines, rape jokes in viral videos, rape jokes in promotions for children's movies, rape jokes on Page Six (and again!), rape jokes on the funny pages, rape jokes on TV shows, rape jokes on the campaign trail, rape jokes on Halloween, rape jokes in online content by famous people, rape jokes in online content by non-famous people, rape jokes in headlines, rape jokes onstage at clubs, rape jokes in politics, rape jokes in one-woman shows, rape jokes in print campaigns, rape jokes in movies, rape jokes in cartoons, rape jokes in nightclubs, rape jokes on MTV, rape jokes on late-night chat shows, rape jokes in tattoos, rape jokes in stand-up comedy, rape jokes on websites, rape jokes at awards shows, rape jokes in online contests, rape jokes in movie trailers, rape jokes on the sides of buses, rape jokes on cultural institutions…
Rape culture is people objecting to the detritus of the rape culture being called oversensitive, rather than people who perpetuate the rape culture being regarded as not sensitive enough.
Rape culture is the myriad ways in which rape is tacitly and overtly abetted and encouraged having saturated every corner of our culture so thoroughly that people can't easily wrap their heads around what the rape culture actually is.
That's hardly everything. It's merely the tip of an unfathomable iceberg.
What Is Consent?
Consent: (As taken from Antioch College's Sexual Assault Policy)
Consent is defined as the act of willingly and verbally agreeing to engage in specific sexual conduct. The following are clarifying points:
■Consent is required each and every time there is sexual activity.
■All parties must have a clear and accurate understanding of the sexual activity.
■The person(s) who initiate(s) the sexual activity is responsible for asking for consent.
■The person(s) who are asked are responsible for verbally responding.
■Each new level of sexual activity requires consent.
■Use of agreed upon forms of communication such as gestures or safe words is acceptable, but must be discussed and verbally agreed to by all parties before sexual activity occurs.
■Consent is required regardless of the parties’ relationship, prior sexual history, or current activity (e.g. grinding on the dance floor is not consent for further sexual activity).
■At any and all times when consent is withdrawn or not verbally agreed to, the sexual activity must stop immediately.
■Silence is not consent.
■Body movements and non-verbal responses such as moans are not consent.
■A person can not give consent while sleeping.
■All parties must have unimpaired judgement (examples that may cause impairment include but are not limited to alcohol, drugs, mental health conditions, physical health conditions).
■All parties must use safer sex practices.
■All parties must disclose personal risk factors and any known STIs. Individuals are responsible for maintaining awareness of their sexual health.
These requirements for consent do not restrict with whom the sexual activity may occur, the type of sexual activity that occurs, the props/toys/tools that are used, the number of persons involved, the gender(s) or gender expressions of persons involved.
Consent is defined as the act of willingly and verbally agreeing to engage in specific sexual conduct. The following are clarifying points:
■Consent is required each and every time there is sexual activity.
■All parties must have a clear and accurate understanding of the sexual activity.
■The person(s) who initiate(s) the sexual activity is responsible for asking for consent.
■The person(s) who are asked are responsible for verbally responding.
■Each new level of sexual activity requires consent.
■Use of agreed upon forms of communication such as gestures or safe words is acceptable, but must be discussed and verbally agreed to by all parties before sexual activity occurs.
■Consent is required regardless of the parties’ relationship, prior sexual history, or current activity (e.g. grinding on the dance floor is not consent for further sexual activity).
■At any and all times when consent is withdrawn or not verbally agreed to, the sexual activity must stop immediately.
■Silence is not consent.
■Body movements and non-verbal responses such as moans are not consent.
■A person can not give consent while sleeping.
■All parties must have unimpaired judgement (examples that may cause impairment include but are not limited to alcohol, drugs, mental health conditions, physical health conditions).
■All parties must use safer sex practices.
■All parties must disclose personal risk factors and any known STIs. Individuals are responsible for maintaining awareness of their sexual health.
These requirements for consent do not restrict with whom the sexual activity may occur, the type of sexual activity that occurs, the props/toys/tools that are used, the number of persons involved, the gender(s) or gender expressions of persons involved.
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